by Taylor Vulgamore
Trigger warning: substance abuse
It was about 7:30pm. I was 39 weeks pregnant that day. I had just begun to eat dinner alone. I was hungry, tired, anxious, very pregnant, and I hadn't heard from my partner.
He finally called saying he was on his way home. He always called, never texted. I loved that. But sometimes they would be unreasonably late and the words on the other side were slurred.
Hey. It's pretty late. Oh, have you been drinking? No, why?
You're slurring your words again. I'm really tired, it was a long day.
I asked the same questions. Accusation. Angry. Defeated. Okay, you're just tired.
My water broke. During the phone call. Never could I imagine in that mindset I could've gone into labor.
Are you sure your water broke? I want to call my midwife. I'm only 39 weeks. I'll stay on the phone with you and call when you get home.
I love my midwife. We talk. Get some rest and keep her posted.
You shower. You still smell horrible. I cooked you dinner. I don't remember if you ate. We talk. You've definitely been drinking. Why won't you just be honest? Okay you're just tired.
I guess that's why you fell asleep in the rocking chair.
I want to rest. I don't want to be alone. I'm scared. Will this labor be long and hard now? There's no way I can produce enough oxytocin when my heart is breaking and you can't support me.
I find some comedy, find a towel, find a cozy blanket, and curl up in bed.
I wish you were watching this with me. Instead you're out there. I need you. I'm so mad at you.
Did I even laugh? Disappointing. You're still passed out.
Okay I'll go to bed on my own. Still leaking.
Contractions start. Have I slept at all? You're beside me now. I need to do this alone as long as I can so you can sober up. I'll need you more later.
Okay please wake up, this is really intense.
Midwife still says rest. I can't sleep through this. These hips squeezes aren't doing shit.
Are you trying to push? You can't be pushing yet? I'll get the bath started. I really think I have to push. It's only been four hours.
The bath is nice. Okay fuck my tailbone. I have to pee. You're behind me. Okay he can rest there and I'll be here.
You put your hands on my shoulders during my contractions. I put my hands on yours. I'm not mad at you anymore. I need you. I hope you're sober now.
Midwife comes and goes. How can she be leaving? How can this last much longer? I don't want to do this anymore.
You're on the phone in the living room. Oh, he's telling the guys he won't be at work today.
Today's the day. Is it that time already? He seems sober now. Get off the phone, I need you in here now!
It was the most beautiful sunrise. How is the sun coming up already? I love watching the sun rise.
Magic. This is so beautiful. Where am I?
Maybe we should move to the bed, you've been in the water a long time. Absolutely not. Okay. I can't walk. You practically carry me. I love you.
Thank you.
It feels so good to lay down. I can see her head! I'm going to call the midwife. I need to make sure the door is unlocked. Get back in here NOW.
Peace. Like l've never felt before. Bliss, if l've ever felt it. It’s almost over. The hard part is over. I trust my body to do the rest.
The midwife made it. I love her, too. Finally, I can push for sure. I’ve been wanting to. Wow that ring of fire is intense. Okay back to serenity. Wow I am making the most primal sounds. I never thought…
I am amazing. This is amazing. I squeeze your hand.
She's here. She's a she. I knew it. She's real.
She's here. She just peed on me. I'm so in love.
It's a girl. It is? I didn't see. She's here.
I'd forgotten. I forgive you. How could you?
Nothing else matters. She's here.
____
Taylor left the father of her child around nine months postpartum after this sort of thing continued and now her and her daughter live a safe, peaceful, happy life. And she’ll be three in October! Or as she says, “Octember.”
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